You've been on my mind a lot recently. I miss you daily, but it has gotten a lot worse/better as we travel into the third year since you left me.
I tried mourning, and that was good for me. Then I explored dating, since you told me you expected that I would find someone else to take your place. Like that could ever happen. We were together for over 30 years, married for almost 25. Is it any wonder I think about you every day? Have not been able to make your clothes disappear from the closet opposite mine, nor clear out your dresser drawers. Maybe that is just procrastination, or laziness, but it does keep you in my thoughts more often than if I had tried to erase your presence by donating all your possessions to Purple Heart.
Not that you believed this, but I was never unfaithful to you. Never searched out the opportunities, never would have taken advantage. It was you and me to the end.
I guess I am still loveable, judging from recent experience. I just don't feel all that desirable. My thoughts turning to you, and what I miss with you out of my life are not maudlin, just a basic realization of the loss the boys and I have suffered.
I hope you are in a better place now. I know how difficult it was those last few years. And I apologize for being me, and not being more there for you. I thought I could be like your dad after Snookie passed away and open up more, but I am what I am. Despite my efforts, I am still stoic, cold and unapproachable. I can argue a great case in court, but in my personal life, communication lapses frequently. How in the world did I ever win you over?
Your gardens live on. I am doing my best, and the perennials are all doing well. Aaron is still not billing us properly, but he did a complete yard clean up last fall. The only downside was his guys cut down the winter grasses, which was a disappointment but the plants are growing back. I am planting the pots and keeping the herb garden going, mostly in honor of you, but also for my cooking (with the herbs and peppers). I did get a smoker from Lynne the summer after you left, and it is great. I feel certain you would have seen it as an eyesore, but the ribs and pork butt and salmon are delicious.
I started going to Slows Barbeque on Wednesdays soon after you left me. Met a great bartender, Heather, who takes good care of me. My other home away from home with Pages. I think about you and how much you would have enjoyed going to Detroit for good food as an honored patron, but that was not meant to be.
My recovery from losing you is not smooth. As I said, I think about you daily. The people at Nardin Park talk to me about you every now and then, but they seem timid and step carefully, until I bring up your departure. I had a Sunday School student ask why you don't come to church with me a few weeks ago, and I had to tell him it was because you were dead. That was cathartic to an extent, and then my fellow teacher and I talked about how long you had been gone.
And now life takes a turn for the strange as the girl I had been dating shows up here late at Pages. Will talk later.
That was...odd. As I said, I had been dating, but we had a falling out about a baseball game and who I was taking to watch the Tigers play on a Wednesday afternoon. It was for the best know that, but it seems as my friend Melanie said, that I must be a real catch. I am not up for resuming the dating life at this point. It would be best to keep my life simple.
The boys and I are heading up to the Boundary Waters in northern Minnesota at the end of June to fish with your family. I normally would not have gone, but when I learned that your Dad was going (prolly for his final fishing excursion, he is 95 after all), I knew it was important that the boys have this opportunity. We will stop on the way back home to catch a couple of minor league games, since neither the Cubs or Brewers are at home when we are driving back through Wisconsin and Illinois.
Brian graduates in June, as well. Just like Stephen, he has no interest in having a party. He won't even send out notices. He told me he is no mooch and won't beg for money. He is also prepared to go to U of M Dearborn this fall, living at home for the first year. I am going to send him off to Ann Arbor, our old stomping ground, for his Junior and Senior years at a minimum, just so he can experience college life properly. I will let the family know about his graduation date tonight. Maybe Joy can head out to help us celebrate.
Lizzie is engaged. Learned that from Joy's e-mail this morning. Amazing how these kids grow up and become adults. Makes me feel like an old fogey.
Stephen should graduate this fall/winter, depending on what classes he can take this summer. Still is looking for a job, but at least he is looking. He is still with Katie. Nice girl, they seem very happy together. No talk of marriage, yet, but I see a long term relationship.
Will write again when I have something to share. Miss ya. More than I could ever have imagined.