Monday, November 23, 2009

Failed Exercise

Failed Exercise

Other issues
should take precedence
Yet I continually return
to this minor annoyance.
I find myself
exactly how this situation
came to be,
asking what other path
would have avoided
the disaster.

Running over my
neighborhood streets,
I repeatedly rehash
the stimulus & response,
searching for other avenues
that were not pursued,
taking my mind off
the occasional hip and calf pain
as I stride along,
pacing myself.

I dissect perceived mistakes
   (missteps taken)
Strict objectivity is
impossible, but
subjective interpretation
a lack of comprehension.

Chalk it up to
divergent interests,
misunderstood motives,
misperceived intentions
All leading to
a breakdown of communication.
Intended assistance
Deep-seated anger
destroying what was
and what could have been.

It is time
to move onward,
withdraw the
and mark it as
a failed exercise.

© Ivar G. Anderson 2009

Friday, October 16, 2009

How to Annoy People

This has been floating around the internet in one form or another for as long as I've been online.  My aunt and uncle sent me this version, and since I haven't been posting much of late, I thought I'd just toss it out there.

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

45 Life Lessons

Just a little something I found while reading my e-mail this week. We've all prolly seen examples of this floating about, but this sums it up nicely:

This is something we should all read at least once a week.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Monday, August 10, 2009

2009 NFL Cheatsheets

I've created the 2009 Cheatsheets for fantasy football which are posted at GoogleDocs. I will be updating the sheets as more data comes out of training camps and the preseason games. Download and draft well, my droogs.
BTW, the sheets are also available on Scribd if you don't like Google for some reason. Personally, I use Google for many things and see no reason to avoid it, but that's just me.
You can also read a bit about the cheatsheets on the website that I occasionally write for, FantasyGameday.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Midnight poem


I reflect on
Life’s currency-

a plate with orange rinds
a knife-
my focus now

I ask myself:
“How do you adapt?”

Ebb & flow,
ride with the tides
of daily existence.

Take comfort
where it exists
Provide support
as best you can.

The house resonates-
-strongly scented-
of many types of flowers
The blooms are

I cannot fathom
what she feels
I try, but
my heart/mind
cannot conceive of
how the uncertainty
upsets her fragile balance.

I have no
My comforting ways
are suspect.

How I do not want to believe:
“We are all alone.”
at this particular point.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The future of waste disposal

As I watched this video (courtesy of Fried Rice Thoughts), I found myself thinking of the waste of food being committed. And also how I'd ever produce anything like 20 golfballs or 18 hotdogs that I'd need to flush.
Take a look for yourself:

null - Watch more free videos
IanCasselberry of the aforementioned Fried Rice Thoughts blog suggests that maybe this is the future of incriminating evidence disposal? Chew on that, CSI!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Running update

I finally broke a 9 minute mile. Yea me! It happened because there was a slightly faster runner on the indoor track. I passed her at the start of my run, but then she overtook me after 5 or 6 laps. I don't know why, but following a faster runner always makes me push myself, and even though she finished her run before I completed my mile and a third, I still was pleasantly surprised to see I had run the first mile in 8:54. The goal now is to improve my endurance and get up to a 5K distance by the end of April so I can start running in some races when the weather improves.
Brian is improving his endurance as well. He ran intervals on Tuesday night and I'm proud to report that he is still doing a complete weight training circuit 3-4 times a week. My weight lifting is still improving, although I still can't bench press my weight like I was able to do in my 30s. Then again, I weighed about 30 pounds less when I was in my 30s, so maybe if I can keep exercising on a regular basis, I will be able to lift the equivalent of my body mass.
With Daylight Savings Time arriving this Sunday, it should be possible to run outdoors in the evenings. Especially if the temperature warms up like the weatherman is predicting. As much as I enjoy the sheltered comfort of the Y's indoor track, it gets boring running in circles, especially since each lap is only 1/17 of a mile. I don't know how I was ever able to run 6 miles or more on that tract without going bonkers (Oh, yeah, the aerobics classes used to be held in the gym, providing a welcome visual diversion; much better than the current youth basketball classes).

Fantasy Baseball Tools

I've been experimenting with Access databases and Excel spreadsheets as tools for drafting in fantasy baseball leagues. I've created a Two-Tiered Cheatsheet, as well as a compilation of the 2009 projections from PECOTA, CHONE, Oliver and Marcel (I realize only fantasy geeks will understand the references-just be advised that these are the four main stat projection services available). I weeded out what I don't normally look at in evaluating players and kept the rest for both pitchers and hitters.

I must express my deep affection and heart-felt thanks to my wife, Lee Ann, for her assistance in setting up the database for the Projections Compilation. I may have been able to fumble the database together after a few frustrating days of work, but she made it happen in a matter of hours.

I've saved all the spreadsheets to Google Docs (what a great service!) so anyone that is interested can download them for personal use. I also put a link to the spreadsheets in my articles on Fantasy Gameday for easy access.

Over the weekend, I also put together a spreadsheet for one of my readers who plays on CBS (formerly known as CBS Sportsline). I transferred all the projections from CBS's player pages to a spreadsheet, then wrote a formula to value those players based on the league settings for the reader's league. I think I could do this for any league at this point, but I doubt I'd use the CBS projections now that I have my own Projection spreadsheet. If anyone is interested, drop me a line and I'll see what I can put together.

Projections spreadsheet
Projections webpage
Two Tiered Cheatsheet spreadsheet
Two Tiered Cheatsheet webpage

Monday, February 23, 2009

Fantasy Baseball Information Sources

Fantasy Baseball Information Sources

1.    Fantasy Pros 911

2.    KFFL
        (good for football, too)

   3.  Mock Draft Central

   4.  CouchManagers

   5.  RotoTimes

   6.  RotoWorld

   7.  Sports Grumblings

   8.  Sport Fanatics

   9.  Crooked Pitch

10.    ESPN

      (Eric Karabell’s blog especially)

11.    CBS Sports

      (good basic cheatsheets)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Poke My Birthday

your birthday and let's surprise you!

Your First Name:

Shaping Up

So, my youngest son had been bugging me to use our Y membership for a few months. I decided that his idea was worthwhile and we've been going to exercise 3 nights a week and on weekend afternoons. I was surprised that I could still run a mile without pause, altho' my first efforts were not real running, more like jogging. I used to get upset when I was running 10Ks at a sub 7 minute a mile clip and people would remark, "Oh, so you're a jogger, huh?"
"No," I'd patiently respond, "I run. Anything under 8 minutes a mile is running."
Yeah, pretty humbling to trudge along so slow now. I am happy to announce, however, that I can now approach a 9 minute mile pace, and last night was able to run an extra 3 laps at a 31 second pace (the indoor track at the Y takes 17 laps to make a mile).
I haven't overdone the weight lifting this time, either, and haven't felt that horrible pain in all my muscles 24 hours after a lifting session.
Brian is extremely interested in continuing our sessions, although he balks at the concept of disrobing in the open of the men's locker room, and doesn't appreciate the sauna the way I do after an exercise session. We both like to unwind in the whirlpool after finishing our workouts.
Brian and I even played a bit of racquetball last Sunday, but I realized early on that I had forgotten some of the rules (I've since refreshed my memory). I suspect it will take him a bit of practice to be competitive with even me, but so long as he is willing, I'll reserve a court every weekend and we'll bang the ball around for a half hour or so.
My goal is to run a local 5K race this spring (I'm thinking May would be a good time, but April is a possibility) and not totally embarrass myself by finishing last. I have 2 months to build up my endurance and lungs after about 8 years of basically sedentary living.

What Makes a Great Steakhouse

Here's a great post from Adam D. Robert's The Amateur Gourmet website. Since I am going to Michael Symon's new restaurant in the refurbished Book-Cadillac Hotel, Roast, in mid-March, it fits in nicely with my new-found desire to start updating this beast more often than once or twice a year.