Letter to LeeAnn #3

Happiness is an ephemeral thing.  I was recently told, "It's me, not you," and while that is a terribly trite phrase, I fear in this situation, it applies.

That was from something I meant to post earlier, much earlier. I fear that I have deeper problems than making people tell me that it is not me that is causing the problem. I am fairly certain that it is me, only me, that poisons relationships. Got to work on that.

I frequently think about a line from an Elvis Costello song that goes:  "Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being." Sometimes I truly do, other times it all seems so odd to be here, alone and with many who are part of my life. A dilemma that I ponder on a daily basis.

If I follow through on the "Stepping Out" process that my cousin (Sylvia) Carol explained to me recently-actually, I had already decided on this course, just did not have a cool name for it-I will miss certain things, I realized. Amongst the things that I would pine for are:

The smell of lilacs on the spring evening breeze.
The taste of absinthe, chartreuse, bourbon and scotch.
Sleeping next to a naked woman.
Streets of Fire, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai in the 8th Dimension, The Sin of  Harold Diddlebock, Repo Man, Bar Fly, Kung Pow, Casablanca, The Princess Bride, Young Frankenstein, Army of Darkness, Blazing Saddles...and lots more.
Cooking an excellent dinner, or just making something out of what is in the refrigerator/freezer in the crock pot.
Growing my own herbs and peppers for cooking.
Writing.

Note:
Discovered this in the drafts on my blog. Things are much different in my life since I originally crafted this post. For example, the discussion of bourbon, scotch, absinthe and chartreuse is wildly misplaced in my current state of existence. I am guessing this to be at least two years older than the publication date of May 2019. Why publish it then? As a glimpse into my past being, I suspect.

Dark Night Prayer 5.11.19

Pray in the dark night that the magic will emerge

Dance in the moonlight

Open your heart to the light

Talisman-bright and shiny

Carry me onward by grace of your being

Familiar companion, afford me your shielding asylum

Tread this path together with me

Faith departed

Then cold rain fell from the heavens

Soaked and shivering, we huddle, dissolute and dissipated

Feeling abandoned alone

Remember:

Pray in the dark night that the magic will reemerge

Dance in the moonlight

Open your heart to the light

I falter

Listening for the call of the soul

Guide me to your embrace

That I may discover purity and peace

Once known but now rebuffed

Pray in the dark night that the magic will reemerge

Dance in the moonlight

Open your heart to the light