I
Apologies to Bernie and Elton, but hoping you don’t mind
My intentions to explain how wonderful life was when you were in my world
I am not a roof sitter, nor is there any moss growing here for me to abuse,
But I will confess A bit of ire arising as I pen these words;
Inessential expressions to be misunderstood
By most and many, yet digressions that pull themselves free
To find the paper of temporary transport.
It is not that we have so short a time to live, but that we waste much of it;
Still, I bear the burden of realizing you are all the things I must remember
Even as you shy away, drift ever further off
The thoughtful imaging of an Elvis triggers questions
And understanding that I know it isn’t me
That engenders those previous expressed ideals.
The occasional lament of “distance”
Seems to smack of self-delusion
After all, whose decision was the impetus?
The creating of the non-us?
The sense of core unity
Has been replaced with a sense
Of valence electron status-
Part of the whole,
Definitional in part,
But able to be discarded/cast off
In the aim of creating a new isotope
Unaware of whom is part of the nucleus you have constructed,
Only sense an absence from that reality:
Heard this on a hike and it hits home:
“'Cause I don't know if you are loving somebody, I only know it isn't mine”
You move onward, with your new tribe offering nurture and support.
Not sure how the barrier was established, was it that I crossed a signal, or a line?
In any event, the cast is now reshuffled,
And a relegation/delegation to a minor occasionally occurring role has taken place.
I work to untangle these strands that entwine the present, dragging it with lethargic torpor
Toward the horizon’s endpoint
‘Cause I know it certainly ain’t mine to embrace any longer.
You may have spoken the words first,
But I fear I said them last.
II
Either casual guideposts to direct understanding
Or obtuse unintended disclosures
Demonstrate the changing dynamics
Long suspected or realized
Dwell upon the reality too long
And be overtaken by a sense of loss,
Left to wonder at unrequested declarations
That only serve to confuse the issue.
Sorrow inducing loss, due to unasked for barriers
Walls unilaterally established
The random sporadic hope-inspiring remark
Only serving to heighten the sense of mistranslated signals
False hope that has led to forsaken mindful exoduses into futile
Ever-unrealized and unrealistic expectations
Could there be a sense of dishonesty
That rankles,
Or simply a failure to address the truth?
Queries are made,
But unattended and disregarded regularly
Then, offense taken, when gestures are not understood
And explanation of implication requested
In the shower, ruminating,
Realizing I no longer possess a
Sense of adoration any longer
Pleased to exhibit patience,
Humility, understanding,
Compassion, integrity…
But adoration, once key to my being, now absent entirely.
III
Relegated to tertiary status
Certainly no longer primary
Would not have known of your relapse
Had I not attended that Saturday meeting
Wonder who was the first told, and how many
Fruitless inquiry
Not secondary, either
Not among those who merit
Your rising and approaching with a greeting,
Surely not a hug
Thus, tertiary level.
Was a time…
Posts or messages were answered
Now, they languish in the ether
Decision made to cease the effort,
Since there is little response or even recognition
No point in pursuit of that which no longer exists
Chasing phantoms is unproductive
No longer one to whom queries are posed,
Advice requested.
Tertiary it is.
Time to accept and step away.
IV
Realizing that it was your decision to cease our connection
And that led to the desiccation and disappearance of the Us that had colored my life
Although I never gave up on you and I
I realize that the one thing I cannot detach from
Has lost connection with me
There have been the occasional forays
To relink
But always with a qualification that makes it unworkable
As a relation worth valuing
Tertiary at best
And that is in no fashion a best for me
February 7, 2022
© Ivar G. Anderson
