WWTDD is back at it again, this time on the subject of Kate Gosselin's presumed botox misadventures:

"Kate Gosselin is built like a Gummy Bear and she has an army of young children but please don’t think that’s gonna stop her from dressing like an embarrassment or getting enough botox to paralyze Godzilla. She looks like the Grinch... Those poor kids. This bitch was scary enough with the constant flipping out and screaming, now a medical examination has concluded that she looks like the devil. Maybe when she goes to kiss her kids goodnight she can hold a flashlight under her chin too."

Anyone interested in the entire post, click Kate Gosselin might have gotten botox

WWTDD?

Recently discovered, I truly enjoy the irreverent posts on What Would Tyler Durden Do?, especially this partial quote from the post on Lindsay Lohan and her deposition:

"You could go to a civil war graveyard, bring someone back to life and even they would know more about what happened that night than Lindsay, just through sheer guesswork and deduction"

http://www.wwtdd.com/2010/05/look-who-sobered-up/

The Lost Art of Dislocation

4/1/80

The Lost Art of Dislocation
I had heard her approaching but instead of turning and greeting her, I continued doing what I'd been doing for the past ten minutes.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sheila asked.
I put the quarter in the slot, turned the handle and watched the arrow line up on the one hour mark.
“I would have thought that was evident." I now turned to face her, "I was bored and I began to pace. All this change in my pockets jingled, and it bugged the shit out of me. So I decided to get rid of it. These parking meters were more fun than throwing the coins down the sewer grating."
"Sure." She took my arm. "Let's go, we’re late. I know it's my fault, but let's not discuss that now."
I allowed her to lead me to her car. We drove in silence until we left town. Then: "Are you mad at me?"
"No." I stared out the window. Between wisps of cloud, I could see the stars. "I don't get angry with people. It's a waste of time."
"O.K. I forgot. You just dislocate from them, isn't that right?" I nodded. "Have you dislocated from me?"
I thought a moment. "I guess so."
"I'm sorry I was late. You know why I was held up.  We don't have to go into that now, do we?" Sheila was driving very mechanically, stiffly. I began to worry about our safety.
"No. Remember what we saw in the movie on Friday?
How the hero explained his attitude? 'People think I'm indifferent, but I just respect personal freedom,' or words to that effect. I try to feel the same way. So, to answer your question, No, we don't have to go into that now." I paused, then added, "Or ever."
"But then I'll feel guilty. Your devotion and trust outweigh mine," Sheila swung around a dead animal on the expressway.
I shrugged. "So? Who ever said that we were equal in our attitudes? Not me certainly. I believe that sameness leads to stagnation. A relationship needs excitement, a small amount of friction between the partners."
"Well," Sheila smiled, turning on the radio, "we certainly have friction."
I reached out, pushed the cassette into the tape player, cutting out the radio. I listened to the music, trying to identify it. Sheila spoke. "The trouble is you are too good a person."
"Ha!" I laughed. "I'm only good about certain things. I do have my bad traits, character faults. But that was a nice compliment. Thank you."
"What I meant was that you treat other people too nicely. What did Leo Durocher say? 'Good guys finish last.'"
"Tell me. Do you think I'm finishing last?"
Sheila shook her head. "No. So I guess Leo was wrong."
I finally identified the music. Roxy Music's For Your Pleasure. "I just don't want to even compete. If I avoid competition, how can I finish last, or even first? There is no reason for me to turn this into a contest. The hell with that."
"Don't you think that might turn some people off? That it might seem as though you don't care?"
"What is this 'some people' bullshit? Don't get cute with this third person crap. Tell me the truth, do you think I don't care?"
Sheila drove along in silence for a moment. I returned to my window, watching the stars thru the clouds. Finally, "No, I'm certain you do care. It's just that a girl likes to be shown how much she means to someone, sorry, how much she means to you."
Sheila stopped the car. We got out walked down to the shore. "I care," I told her.
Sheila slipped her arm around me, as we watched the sun rise over the ocean. Her face was warm against my shoulder.
We sat down on the sand, letting the waves wash over our legs. "I know. I just like to make sure. I'm insecure, you know."
The sun felt warm on my face. "I never would have guessed."


© Ivar G. Anderson 1980

Champagne

Elizabeth (Lily) Bollinger on champagne:

"I drink it when I'm happy and when I'm sad.

Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone.

When I have company I consider it obligatory.

I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and I drink it when I am.

Otherwise I never touch it, unless I'm thirsty."

3 Best Pieces of Advice

Via Monique Marvez:

"Love hard.
Forgive harder.
And get as happy as you can, as fast as you can."

Great advice.  Funny lady, too.

Decisions

Decisions
There is a sense of satisfaction when events work out without much effort on your part to let things develop naturally.  The refusal to abruptly react to an unexpected disturbance, but rather simply stepping back, observing calmly what has and is transpiring, and only deftly guiding circumstances with a gentle nudge-as opposed to a violent reaction-fits in well with an early training in non-confrontational existence.
It may be perceived as fear, being too paralyzed to act, but do not waver from the chosen course of (in)action.  It is often better to stand aside and all the tide to ebb and flow, since your acts will often have little effect on the transpiring events.
© Ivar G. Anderson 2010

Entrées I can make without a recipe

There are a number of dinners/lunches/breakfasts one can cook without having to look at a cookbook.  Here is my list:
1.  Spaghetti and meatball (or sausage, shrimp, etc.)
2.  Chicken saltimbucca
3.  Ribs
4.  Grilled Salmon
5.  Grilled Tuna steak
6.  Macaroni and cheese with crispy crust
7.  Sausages with peppers and onions
8.  Pork tenderloin
9.  Shredded Brussel Sprouts with mustard
10.  Roasted Aspargus
11.  Baked potato rubbed with salt
12.  Fajitas
13.  Fried Rice
14.  Risotto
15.  Sweet potato fries
16.  Moque Chou
17.  Mango Salsa
18.  Guacamole

Top Movies

Here is a list of my all-time favorite movies. 

1. Streets of Fire
2. Repo Man
3. The Man Who Would Be King
4. The Sin of Harold Diddlebock
5. Caddyshack
6. Rio Lobo
7. Kelly's Heroes
8. Blazing Saddles
9. Young Frankenstein
10. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
11. Army of Darkness
12. Cousin, Cousine
13. Where Eagles Dare
14. Princess Bride
15. Animal House
16. Strictly Ballroom
17. Phantasm
18. The Natural
19. All's Well That Ends Well
20. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
21. Grosse Pointe Blank
22. The Big Red One
23. The Sandlot
24. Casablanca

Auction Value spreadsheet

I've put together an auction value spreadsheet which incorporates my values for hitters and pitchers, too.  Since auctions are gaining in popularity with ESPN, Yahoo and CBS all offering the option, I thought it wise to offer some sort of guide post for the fantasy world.
I also managed to grab values from 3 sources and average the auction values.  Here's the link to Google Docs where my 2010 MLB Average Auction Values spreadsheet resides.  I am not entirely certain this is the best source of information for those of you in auction drafts, but consider it as another source.  My advice is to find a source of auction values that you trust and run with that.  Oh, and don't forget to adjust for inflation.

Target Rankings spreadsheet for fantasy baseball

Thanks to the efforts of Chris Spencer at Fantasy Baseball Trade Market, I have put together a Target Rankings spreadsheet based on my projections for the top 350 (actually, with the adjustments I made to the list, both are now 349) pitchers and batters in MLB for 2010.  The fun part about this tool is that it let's you rank your roster after a draft by selecting the players you drafted and with a simple SUM function, see how close you are to your leagues targets out of the gate.  You can then adjust your roster to adapt to the perceived deficiencies on your team.  Here is the link to a 10 team league and a 12 team league spreadsheet.  You can adjust the results by altering the values on the BB target worksheet, changing the number of  hitters and/or pitchers your league uses and of course, the target values you need to succeed.
Note: Both the 12 team and 10 team spreadsheets are available on Scribd, too.

2010 Fantasy Baseball Tiered Cheatsheet and Projections spreadsheets

After much number crunching, I have compiled the projections from 11 different sources and put together my spreadsheets for both pitchers and batters, as well as my first version of the tiered cheatsheet that I've produced the last couple of seasons.  This year I went with a ranking system for the spreadsheets, and ended up with a zTotal column for ranking purposes.  We'll see how it all shakes out, but it seems that the larger and more varied the source of my data, the deviation will be lessened and the risk of one set of projections skewing my results is reduced.  I will post these on FantasyGameday sometime during this week, depending on our publishing schedule.  In the meantime, here are the links to the 3 fantasy draft tools that I've posted to Google Docs:
Hitters rankings
Pitchers rankings
Tiered cheatsheet

A curse

I listen to ESPN Radio's Fantasy Focus podcasts during baseball and football seasons, just to pick up advice regarding my fantasy teams.  Recently, Nate Ravitz and Matthew Berry have returned to talk about baseball, and in the most recent podcast on February 9, 2010, a listener named Lucas cursed Nate with the following:
"I wish mediocre to sub-par things upon you in all your future endeavors."
Personally, I love this level of curse, as it seems entirely possible to occur.  I shall make an effort to use this whenever appropriate from this point on.  It will probably result in less rancor than my current curse from The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai in the 8th Dimension:
Lord John Worfin:  "Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life."

Excerpt from Drew Magary's column on Deadspin

I was reading Drew Magary's column on Deadspin at a local restaurant, and had to stop several times and actually tear my eyes away from the print before me when I tried to read this portion of the article, due to uncontrollable laughter.  That probably indicates that something is seriously wrong with how my humor center in my brain is wired, but here it is for you to decide.  Be forewarned, this is not for the scatalogically challenged.


"Jake sends in a story I call LOOK WHO'S POOPING:

My kid was about 1 or 1 1/2 when he started going through a poop phase. He was obsessed with poop. He would insist on looking at a shitty diaper after he destroyed it, with a "yeah that's right, say my name, bitch!" look on his face. He would talk about it all the time in public ("Daddy I have a HUGE LOAD in my pants"). He would barge into the bathroom when I was dropping anchor and insist on taking a look at my craftwork. He even went through a period where he would stick his finger in his ass and then put it in his mouth and say "it's yummy" (by the way this was super fucked up and scarred me for life).
So one day, just after breakfast, he drops a load and my wife goes to change him. She lays him back on the changing table, takes his shitty diaper off, wraps it up, and turns to put it in the diaper genie. She looks away and then turns back, leaning over him to coo or sing or make goo goo noises or whatever chicks do. What she did not realize was that the little fecophile had stuck his hand down into his ass while she was looking away and now had what could best be described as a shit mitten. So she is singing away and he reaches up and fish hooks her with the shit mitten. Just jams his hand in her mouth and yanks down on her jaw, scraping poo off his hand with her teeth (ever eat an artichoke?). It took a second or two for her to realize he had shit all over his hands...and that she, therefore, now had a mouthful of baby shit. She gagged and was so disgusted that she promptly VOMITED ON THE BABY and started crying hysterically, which of course made the baby start crying. I heard the commotion and by the time I walked in, they were both screaming and crying, covered in regurgitated Special K and poo. My wife ran over to the bathroom and I actually saw her SPIT POO in the sink (definitely NOT a turn on). Meanwhile, the baby quickly went from crying to laughing, looks up at me innocently and says "Daddy, I'm POOOPY!" Roger that.

That reminds me of a story my wife once told me. When she worked in an office, she had a co-worker named Mike (not his real name). One time, Mike brought his three-year-old to work with him, to show her his desk and all that. Anyway, the kid has to go to the bathroom, so Mike takes her and she goes and does her thing. Then, she comes out of the stall and says to Mike, HEY DADDY, GUESS WHAT? Mike says, "What?" And the kid takes her finger, smeared in poop, and drags it across his upper lip. No lie. A Dirty Sanchez from your own kid. KIDS ARE FUCKING EVIL."

 © Deadspin 2010

Failed Exercise

Failed Exercise

Other issues
should take precedence
Yet I continually return
to this minor annoyance.
I find myself
questioning
exactly how this situation
came to be,
asking what other path
would have avoided
the disaster.

Running over my
neighborhood streets,
I repeatedly rehash
the stimulus & response,
searching for other avenues
that were not pursued,
taking my mind off
the occasional hip and calf pain
as I stride along,
pacing myself.

I dissect perceived mistakes
   (missteps taken)
Strict objectivity is
impossible, but
subjective interpretation
provides
a lack of comprehension.

Chalk it up to
divergent interests,
misunderstood motives,
misperceived intentions
All leading to
a breakdown of communication.
Intended assistance
rebuffed
     rudely;
Deep-seated anger
destroying what was
and what could have been.

Realize:
It is time
to move onward,
withdraw the
     extended
branch
and mark it as
a failed exercise.

© Ivar G. Anderson 2009

How to Annoy People

This has been floating around the internet in one form or another for as long as I've been online.  My aunt and uncle sent me this version, and since I haven't been posting much of late, I thought I'd just toss it out there.

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

45 Life Lessons

Just a little something I found while reading my e-mail this week. We've all prolly seen examples of this floating about, but this sums it up nicely:

This is something we should all read at least once a week.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

2009 NFL Cheatsheets

I've created the 2009 Cheatsheets for fantasy football which are posted at GoogleDocs. I will be updating the sheets as more data comes out of training camps and the preseason games. Download and draft well, my droogs.

BTW, the sheets are also available on Scribd if you don't like Google for some reason. Personally, I use Google for many things and see no reason to avoid it, but that's just me.

You can also read a bit about the cheatsheets on the website that I occasionally write for, FantasyGameday.

Midnight poem

Stillness

Tonight
I reflect on
Life’s currency-

a plate with orange rinds
&
a knife-
my focus now

I ask myself:
“How do you adapt?”

Ebb & flow,
ride with the tides
of daily existence.

Take comfort
where it exists
&
Provide support
as best you can.

The house resonates-
-strongly scented-
of many types of flowers
The blooms are
Beautiful…

I cannot fathom
what she feels
I try, but
my heart/mind
cannot conceive of
how the uncertainty
upsets her fragile balance.

I have no
answers-
My comforting ways
are suspect.

How I do not want to believe:
“We are all alone.”
at this particular point.

The future of waste disposal

As I watched this video (courtesy of Fried Rice Thoughts), I found myself thinking of the waste of food being committed. And also how I'd ever produce anything like 20 golfballs or 18 hotdogs that I'd need to flush.
Take a look for yourself:

null - Watch more free videos
IanCasselberry of the aforementioned Fried Rice Thoughts blog suggests that maybe this is the future of incriminating evidence disposal? Chew on that, CSI!

Running update

I finally broke a 9 minute mile. Yea me! It happened because there was a slightly faster runner on the indoor track. I passed her at the start of my run, but then she overtook me after 5 or 6 laps. I don't know why, but following a faster runner always makes me push myself, and even though she finished her run before I completed my mile and a third, I still was pleasantly surprised to see I had run the first mile in 8:54. The goal now is to improve my endurance and get up to a 5K distance by the end of April so I can start running in some races when the weather improves.
Brian is improving his endurance as well. He ran intervals on Tuesday night and I'm proud to report that he is still doing a complete weight training circuit 3-4 times a week. My weight lifting is still improving, although I still can't bench press my weight like I was able to do in my 30s. Then again, I weighed about 30 pounds less when I was in my 30s, so maybe if I can keep exercising on a regular basis, I will be able to lift the equivalent of my body mass.
With Daylight Savings Time arriving this Sunday, it should be possible to run outdoors in the evenings. Especially if the temperature warms up like the weatherman is predicting. As much as I enjoy the sheltered comfort of the Y's indoor track, it gets boring running in circles, especially since each lap is only 1/17 of a mile. I don't know how I was ever able to run 6 miles or more on that tract without going bonkers (Oh, yeah, the aerobics classes used to be held in the gym, providing a welcome visual diversion; much better than the current youth basketball classes).